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"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."

"Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!"

"There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."